Dear Wonderful Friends and Readers,

Today is Sunday, May 4, 2008.

Today is Entry Number 47.

Wow. I cannot believe it's already May. In some ways, this year has gone by in a flash! But in most ways, actually, it's been dragging on very, very slowly. But that's all right; I'm hanging in there. I have to go back to SPA tomorrow and be tormented by crazy nun-like teachers, whorish preteen girls who are desperate for boyfriends, whorish teen boys who just want be accepted, and of course my favorite of the bunch, the wonderful (wonderfully slutty, that is) Connie Mailla. I still cannot remember what her realy name is. I don't think it's Connie. She may have told me once when we were like nine or something, but considering I've never enjoyed her company, I failed to remember. But what can Connine be short for, anyway?

So the title pretty much says it all: I have a big revelation for everyone. Oh, and "Blackholes and Revelations" is the title of the band Muse's most recent album, and I was watching a few of their concerts last night, so I have Muse on the brain. Anywho . . . here we go.

I have decided (drum roll, please) that I will not be returning to school next year. It's not like a drop-out kind of thing, though for all intents and purposes, I am dropping out of the system, but it's for the best, I think. And, though a lot of it is Connie Mailla's fault (something I don't know I'll ever be able to forgive her for), it's not entirely her fault. I'm just sick of the bullshit, and having to be around stupid people. And believe me, I know a lot of stupid people who say and do really, really stupid things. And I'm just sick of it. I'm sick of being ignored by Connie, and stalked my Jayson (we'll get to that in a second), and having to pretend I don't hate Max. I'm sick of lying. And that's just what I'm doing: I'm acting happy while spending time with people that I don't want to be spending time with.

And you don't know how sad that makes me to think about that. These are the people I've grown up with, and who have been my best friends for as long as I can remember. But popularity and having a boyfriend  is more important to Connie; making everyone else look bad and having a girlfriend is more important to Max; keeping her social status good is more important to Annilee. And it's not to me. I don't want to end up like some of the girls I know. I don't want all the boys I know to call me a slut and a whore. Because they calls girls like Cady Thompson and Connie Mailla that. You know why? Because that's how that act.

My grandma always told me, even when I was too young to know what the words ment: "Charlotte, if you go around, acting like a slut, than that's just how the boys are going to treat you; now, if you act like a lady, Charlotte, that's how they're gonna treat you." And I've always, always, always remembered that. Where Connie does things that I don't think she really even wants to do, just be accepted, I try to act as "lady-like" as I can. And you know what? People respect me. Because I don't go around acting like a complete whore.

So anyway, back to the whole dropping out thing. I've decided that I would like to go back to being home schooled. Mainly so I can choose when I want to screw around, instead of screwing around all the time; and mainly so that I may choose who I would like to spend time with. It's difficult to exclude someone when you're at school (well, I guess Connie did it, huh?) because, for my age group at least, it's kind of just one big group. Some people venture off with a few others, but mainly it's just everybody hangs out with everybody. But thinking is, if I'm not put in a situation like that, and if I want to spend time with Re or Bobbie or Re and Bobbie, we'll just go somewhere instead of having to include everyone.

So I don't know.

That's all for now.

Charlotte

I can't tell you how envious I am that you have the option to be home schooled. I BEGGED my mother to home school me when I was younger and she just refused to do it. She said I needed the "social interaction". To this day I can't stand when anyone against home schooling uses that as a reason why. If you're happy in school and have good experiences then fine, social interaction is just dandy. But when school becomes a living hell - shouldn't your mental health come before being a social butterfly? And it's not like home schooled kids never leave home and don't get out to meet people in other ways - I don't get why people think that's the case. Never mind the fact that it's been proven that home schooled kids are something like 80% smarter than those who go to public and even private schools. Oh well.

I'm glad you're able to have that option so you can do what's going to make you happy and be best for you!

And your grandma definitely knew what she was talking about. I had "act like a lady" drilled into my head starting before I could even talk so it's unavoidable for me LOL. My boyfriend desperately wants me to just burp in front of him some time - but all the "that's not lady-like" stuff from my childhood makes me not even want to burp when I'm the only one around!

(I'm sorry, I'm just rambling now. I'm sleepy. I ramble when I'm sleepy!)