Dear Wonderful Friends and Readers,

Today is Friday, April 18, 2008.

 

This is Entry Number 39.

I went to that God-forsaken place today that is Sevael Private Academy. And I know I’ve had some pretty awful days there, but I must say that today has officially made my Top 5. I’ve felt like absolute shit the entire day, and just wanted to come home the second I got there. And by that, I mean more so than usual. 

In some ways, things (meaning Max) weren’t too bad. In others, he was a complete “you-know-what,” as Regan would say. It’s so ironic, because he says awful things, and his twisted, in-the-gutter mind contorts everything everyone says into something pornographic, and then of course when I tell him to, and I quote, “suck on that,” he flips out on me with, “Charlotte, do you even know what that means?”

And, of course, I give him the old, “Oh yeah, right, like you’ve not said far worse things than that — to girls, Charles!” (I call him “Charles,” his first name that he hates, when I’m pissed at him for just that reason: he hates it.)

 

Since I always end up getting paired up to do essays with Carlie Abain, who, not only his “not the brightest bulb in the pack,” is Hispanic, and does not read English, I ended up doing the research part of our history project, and she got the pictures. Well, picture, we only need one, so it’s pretty lame.

Our topic is Alexander the Great. First of all, if Sam (our history teacher who does not require us to address him with that “Mr.” bullshit, because he has students that are, like, five years younger than him) even asks us to turn in these reports, I’ll be floored. I was thinking about not even doing it, just because it’s a complete waste of time. But Carlie just started a year or two ago, and since she’s still “new” and all, I don’t want to give her a bad impression of the school, although that would be a truthful one. 

During lunch I walked around the gated grounds of the school with Bobbie. You know, I feel like we should have nuns walking around or something, breaking up the couples making-out at their lockers, with all the gates and sign-in sheets, verifying that you do in fact attend SPA. It's quite frightening, the security, actually. 

While Bobbie watched Allie Mayne's brother, Hayden (on whom she does not have a crush, according to her, which is total bullshit), I stared at Seth Riley and his girlfriend, Charlotte Hannah (I know: same name), and Laurel Smith walking around the grounds as well. And I just have to drool all over everything for a second, and say that he looked super adorable today. He's really getting into this whole "emo thing," as the guys call it. He has the whole skinny jeans thing going on, and the hoodies, and hats. I, personally, think he only wears skinny jeans because he weighs like twelve-and-a-half pounds. I'm telling you, he is tiny! His arms and legs are like reeds, and he's super pale. And I've always had a thing for these so-called "emo" guys, so whatever. I just think he's totally adorable. He has great hair, too. Oh, and he's really polite. I mean, guys that age are usually all bad-boy, but he's all please-and-thank-you, and I think it's super cute. 

Things got really unbearable in Mr. Page's class. Not only do I simply hate that class, it's even worse now that Max joined. I mean, I love him to death, I really do (sort of), but he needs to be on medication or something. He simply cannot stop talking, and making bad jokes, and insulting Cady Thompson when she's standing right there. And he's not exactly sneaking about it. Just because she told everyone she thought he was gay, every time he sees her he coughs into his shirt, "Whore." Which is really annoying, because I wish he just knew how many of his so-called friends call him that! I mean, that is cold. That is just really, really low. 

You know, something I am really sick of is how guys treat each other. It's like they just look for ways to make the other person look bad. Mothers are always saying, "I wish I just had a boy, so every one get along." But, from what I've observed (which is much more than any thirteen-year-old girl should probably observe, which is totally Conor Mailla's fault) once they turn about thirteen they are total bitches to each other. (Talk about low.) 

The thing that's really pissing me off is this gay fad. Why is it taken as such an insult? Well, the more appropriate question, I think, is why is it used as an insult? If I had a dollar for every time Max called Josh gay, or Josh called Max gay, I would be rich in a week. And I get so sick of it. And I said pretty much every thing that I'm about to say to Max today, only in simpler terms because he is such a dolt. 

I said to him, "What's wrong with being gay, Max?"

And he and Josh just look at me.

And I said, "No, guys, really, I'm not joking here. I'm just trying to understand." Since Josh actually does have some sense, sometimes, I was pretty addressing him when I said this. "Josh, really, tell me. What is wrong with being gay?"

"There is nothing wrong with it, per se, it just makes guys feel uncomfortable when some guy is sitting there who they know is gay." 

"And that I understand, I totally do. That would make me a uncomfortable also, if it were a girl, simply because I'm 'not like that,' as you guys say." Oh my God, you should have seen my air-quotes. It was so impressive, even to me, and I didn't even get to watch because I was the one doing it. "But let me ask you this: what is it about being called 'gay' that bothers you?"

Well, this they couldn't even answer. And you know why I think they couldn't answer it? Because there is no answer. I think the only reason they call each other gay is because it gets a rise out of them. And then they get to show off in front of the girls, how tough they are, standing up to the big mean boy who called them gay.

But instead, I would like to answer this question. (This part I didn't say to the two of them, simply because  I didn't want to get into it during class.) If someone (Cady Thompson, in Max's case) started spreading rumors that I was a lesbian, yes, it would bother me. But not because I think it's something to be a ashamed of. The only thing about it that would bother me would be the fact that it was done out of spite. That's it. And do you know why? Because I don't care. I know I'm not a lesbian. And what more do I need? I'm head-over-heels in love with Seth Riley. Yes, I've seen girls that I think are absolutely beautiful, but I've never been "attracted" to another girl. And, again, that's the only thing that would bother me about it would be that it was rumor, meaning it was untrue. I don't give a damn whether people think I'm straight or not. I know I am, and that's all that matters.

But there is a reason I didn't say this to Max. It's because, yes, I can sit here and say, "Oh, I wouldn't care if someone did that to me." But maybe I would. Because no one has ever done that me. I don't know what it feels like to be surrounded by people who think something about me that they find "weird" or "abnormal." And I don't think I could ever put myself in Max's position entirely. 

But I just wish there was someway I could make them drop this whole thing, because I'm just sick of it. I just hate it that the word "gay" is used as insult, and that they call each other "fags" for no reason. I hate it, I really do. And I think about it a lot. And something else I've really been wanting to say to Max lately is this: I want to tell him to put himself in the position of a gay person. Or just do it like this: I wish I could say to him, "Max. What if you are straight, as you are. And what if each and every one of your friends was gay. Stop gagging, and listen to me. Now let's say, Josh is one of them. Josh, shut up, for the sake of the hypothetical story, please. And let's Josh says to you one day, "Max, I think it's absolutely repulsive that you like Connie. I think it is absolutely disgusting that you would be attracted to someone of the opposite sex. And you should be ashamed of yourself, and you will go to hell for this. And we don't want to be around you, Max. Because it bothers us." 

And I really just wish Max could put himself in that position. Now, again, how do I know? Maybe that wouldn't get the point across at all. Maybe that doesn't even come close to the point. But my only point is this: I hate it that people are discriminated against because of their sexual orientation. I think it is one of the sickest things in this whole entire world that a teenage guy should be rejected by his "friends" just because, instead of being attracted to the opposite sex, he is attracted to the same sex. And I think I may have even said that to Max and Josh today.

Well, the one thing I did say was this: Brittany was talking about some show or some movie that she liked. I don't remember which it was, but it doesn't matter. So she's telling me about this thing. And of course Max has to open his stupid little mouth and say, "Ugh, that show is so gay."

Oh, you should have seen how I lit into him. I got right up in his face and said real loud, "A TV show cannot be gay Max! It is literally impossible!" 

After that, I challenged Max and Josh to a little contest sort of thing, since there are so into making the other look bad. I challenged them to finish out the rest of class (which was about another hour, by that time) without saying one "mean" thing to the other. Max blew it first, saying that Josh was gay. Yep. And then Josh started picking on Max because he brought a hairbrush to school! A freaking hairbrush! I lit into Josh for that one, too.

So I'm pretty pissed off again by now, and I doubt I'll be able to get to sleep, but I'm going to try because I feel awful.

Oh, and since this is just eating away at me, my Quote of the Day refers very much to this situation. To read said quote, you must click here.

 

Until tomorrow, take care.

Charlotte